How to Face Criticism and Develop Thick Skin?

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!

-- Unknown

  

Jeff Bezoes during one interview said, “ If you are doing anything interesting in the world, you are going to have critics. If you absolutely can not tolerate critics, don’t do anything new and interesting.”

  

How true his statement is? In our daily lives we are constantly subjected to un-thoughtful comments, rejection and criticism. There are people who take pleasure in offending people by hurling insults at them.

 

The people who tread un-conventional path have to endure criticism and insult.  It is the price they must pay for being successful.

 

 

What will people think? I will look stupid if I speak out my mind! My parents or spouse will not agree to my pursuing a particular path! These thoughts have killed so many people’s dream even before they could take the first step.

 

 

Go to any cemetery there you shall find so many people resting in peace with their unfulfilled dreams still in their hearts.

 

Why couldn’t they achieve their dreams? What stopped them? Was it their competence? Or  Lack of money? or lack of opportunity?

 

In most of the cases these people didn’t have courage to pursue their dreams. Most of them did not take the first step. A few of them took few steps, but threw in the towel when faced with unfavourable conditions and when people started to tear them apart with their insensitive comments/opinions.

 

 

 

The people who are sensitive and care a lot about other people’s opinion and get offended have little chance of achieving anything great in their lives. Accomplishment of any worthwhile goal in one’s life requires one to develop a thick skin.

 

A person with thick skin doesn’t care what people, society, family or competitors think or say about him. He is comfortable in his skin; no amount of insult can unsettle him. He is too focused on achievement of his goals to get offended by insults hurled at him.

 

 

Most of the times we really have no control over what people think or say about us, we have control over our ability to not get offended.

 

You do not develop thick skin overnight. You will have to practice it deliberately every day. You will have to expose yourself to circumstances where you will have to face criticism, insult and ruthless behaviour from people.

 

Thin skinned or overly sensitive people are often mentally weak and have propensity to succumb to external pressures.

 

 Conversely, thick skinned people are more emotionally stable and are mentally strong. They are bull headed, they wade through the swamp of criticism, offences and insults. They are like a bull with blinders on, as they only see their goals and all other distraction on the way do not matter.

 

There are people in this world who would prefer death to criticism and insults. Seneca wrote in On the Firmness of the Wise Man,

 

“ Many think that there is nothing more bitter than insult, thus you will find slaves who prefer to be flogged to being slapped, and who think stripes and death more endurable than insulting words”

 

 

Lots of people have abandoned their dreams after hearing sharp criticism from people. For them other’s opinion is more important than their own opinion about their dreams and themselves.

 

There are many thin skinned souls who get easily offended by people’s words, mannerisms, their views etc. They even get offended when the other person has done anything- not wishing them, not inviting to an event or a party, not acknowledging their presence etc etc.

 

In fact they are expert in finding ways to get offended and when no one has done anything to offended, they feel neglected and feel offended because others have not considered him worthy of their contempt.

 

 The person who feels offended by someone else’s laughter, option, rejection etc lacks belief in himself. He is a people pleaser. He has put his self-worth on how people treat him or talk about him. His self esteem is poor, which can be shattered easily.

 

Seneca further writes:

 

“The people who have had a very comfortable life, were pampered, did not face any difficulties in their lives and lived in a protected environment tend to become thin skinned because they have never been exposed to such conditions in their lives.”

 

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 It is not that thick skinned feel happy getting abused or being treated badly, but they are very clear in their minds what is their ultimate objective. So instead of focusing on other persons behaviour, which is not in their control, they forge ahead without getting offended, in the pursuit of their goal.

 

Thin skinned person makes everything a matter of his prestige. He has a very fragile ego which can be punctured very easily. An inflated and fragile ego is the main reason why people feel insulted. These people take everything personal. They make everything about themselves.

 

Why these people take everything personal? Because most of the time they focus on themselves. They are too occupied with their inadequacies, weaknesses. And when someone criticises them they perceive that to be an attack on their self-image, they become defensive, angry, bitter and feel humiliated.

 

So long as their sphere of attention is limited to themselves, they shall have to endure the pain induced by perceived insults. The moment they move their attention to things outside of themselves their anxiety about themselves will cease to exist. And they will be at peace with themselves.

 

And this insult, so called, what it is? Some jest at the baldness of head, the weakness of my eyes, the thinness of my legs, my build. But why is it an insult to be told what is self evident?--Seneca on The Firmness of the Wise Man

  

How do we make ourselves thick skinned so that the opinions of other people do not impact us?

 

This is what I have learnt on developing a thick skin.

 Whenever someone criticises you or says something which you feel offensive ask yourself following questions:

a.       Is it true?

b.       Am I assuming something?

c.       What story am I telling myself?

 

1.           Is it True?

 

 

 

                

If the answer is yes then there is no reason to feel offended about it. Like Seneca said: Why is it insult when it is self evident? If you have done something wrong, accept it, learn from it and move on.

 

You may also like to thank the person who has given you a good feedback. For the person who gives you constructive criticism is better than a yes man. Keep them around.

 

If the answer is No then there is no reason for you to feel offended. What will you say to the person, who weighs 50 Kgs but feels offended when someone calls him obese?

 

Isn’t it a foolishness to lose your peace of mind on a thing which you know is wrong? Moreover, you will empower the other person, if you get upset. The best way to take revenge on the persons is not to allow him the pleasure of offending you.

 

2.           Am I Assuming Something?

 

Sometimes you assume what the other person may be saying, whereas the other person may not mean waht you have assumed. So before you get upset seek clarification form the person. Know the reason for his criticism, seek facts and examples from him. Once you have gathered all the facts from him about his statement/opinion, ask yourself the first question: Is it True?

 

3.           What Story Am I Telling Myself?

 

 A  joke or a statement which is expressed one on one doesn’t seem to harm us, whereas the same statement expressed in front of other people invites sharp reaction from us. This goes to prove that the opinion, statement, behaviour etc is not what causes us grief, it is the meaning we give to it which changes our mental state and induces pain.

 So change the story you tell yourself to change your emotions!

 

4.           Change Your Map of the World

                    

                    

            

 

 Since childhood we have been taught what is a right behaviour? How to speak to people? How nice people must behave with others? We have also been encouraged to be nice.

 

 Now we have our own map of the world, telling us as to how a nice person should behave, talk etc. We expect everyone to fit into our own map of the world and when someone who does not conform to our expectations, we feel upset.

 

Thick skinned people do not expect people to conform to their map of the world. For they have prepared themselves to handle any difficult situation. Nothing takes them by surprise; hence they maintain their equilibrium during trying situations

 

5.           Focus on Your Goal

 

The people who loose focus of their goals get diverted by such trivial, inconsequential thing like insult, criticism, humiliation. The mentally tough, thick skinned people are focused on their goals, they brush these minor inferences aside, without loosing sight of their aim.

 

When you find yourself bogged down by opinions of others ask yourself:

 What is my goal here? Will my feeling offended take me closer to my goal?

 

Asking these questions to yourself will give you clarity as to how you must tackle the situation. Even at the cost of sounding repetitive, I would say: Don’t sacrifice your goals at the altar of your Ego.

 

People will find faults with your dream or question your sanity when you fail. Block out their opinions, take no heed to what they are saying. Keep your focus on your goal all the time. If you fail, get back up, dust yourself up, do a course correction if need be and put in your sweat and blood in the pursuit of your goal.

  

    6.       Control your Emotions

 

The moment you perceive something as rejection or humiliation,

you will be overwhelmed by emotions. The emotion of shame, anger, hatred, revenge, sadness will engulf you, clouding your judgment.

 

Your mind will stop working rationally. Since the mind is not thinking logically any decision you take will heavily be influenced by your emotional state, which may be detrimental for you in the long run.

 

Delay reacting to the perceived criticism. It is very important that before you do anything you bring your emotions and feelings under your control. Once the emotions are under check, you can think through your decision. It is a very important skill to have, if one wants to become Thick Skinned.

  

Summing up

 

1.           Whenever someone criticises you or says something which you feel offensive ask yourself following questions:

a.       Is it true?

b.       Am I assuming something?

c.       What story am I telling myself?

 

2.           Change Your Map of The World

3.           Focus on Your Goals

4.           Control Your Emotions